Imaginary obstacles are insurmountable. Real ones aren't. But you can't tell the difference when you have no real information. Fear can create even more imaginary obstacles than ignorance can. That's why the smallest step away from speculation and into reality can be an amazing relief. The Reality Solution means: Do it before you're ready.
Barbara Sher
I sparred Roxin first, who's one of the gym's veterans, it's a little slow, I couldn't really get inside of him well, and just tried to stay on the outside too much, and worked on not being so bouncy to i can save more energy in the rounds.
I sparred Juan after, one of the gym warriors, he's always there going hard, and can spar round after round after round.
Haunting voice to go with the music. Been working on a track, it's almost there! Gimme just a couple more days, and it'll be ready.
dope mellow track, a bit entrancing, the vocals just got me following along to wherever she wants to take it!
Just got passed on to me. I think this is the epitome of why I can be settled on things even if there's is some uncertainty within the situation.
"If a matter is not serious enough to pray about, then it's not serious enough to worry about; and if it's serious enough to pray about and we have prayed about it, then there is no need to worry about it."
Juan, one of the guys that trains at our gym recorded some sparring at the gym, here's a round I went with Carlos. I gassed out a bit, but at least I can see everything I need to be working on, Improvements Coming!!!
It's surreal to think that it's been a year to the day since Dad had to take off to finish more important work.
The familiarity of him, and the sense of still missing him continues to make it feel like it might as well have been last week. As a good friend once told me, when a loved one passes you feel them closer than ever to you as they become a part of your everyday conscious, and become a reference point in your life.
I wasn't sure about posting this, and was thinking about leaving it for my own thoughts, but out of respect in how much Pop meant to so many people, and had a profound affect on folks, It's my duty to him.
The one thing that continues to keep me in awe about this whole situation is how much you learn about a loved one posthumously. It's like once they pass, the floodgates of everyone's private admirations pour out, and in their efforts to offer us condolences they opened up unknowingly revealed so many sides to Dad that I never saw, since I had him built up too much on the identity of being a father figure. I started to see what he would be like as my peer, and related to him on another level i honestly didn't think it was possible, only now I couldn't relay it to him.
It kind of comes to that point of when you hear people say treasure what you have and love your loved ones cause you never know when they'll be gone, and as cliche as it sounds, it's the DAMN truth. I can honestly say for every time you argue with a loved one, and you feel that pride raising up, and you don't wanna give an inch, cause it's so crystal clear that you're right on this one, just try it once and back down for the sake of knowing it's not worth it sometimes. Cause as soon as Dad passed I was so grateful for every moment that I just let slide, and every moment that I didn't has clung to me with a sense of regret that I feel like I'm using the rest of my life and the rest of my decisions in order to redeem them.
I'll always be grateful that Dad was his finest, and lived most inspired in his most trying times, when he was physically his most feeble, frail, and weak. Words won't ever express that impact, and how much that set me up for the rest of my life. When we were younger, he's was the consummate provider, being a disciplinarian, he was not one for too much affection, and he exemplified his love through making sure we always had what we needed, but always exercising that luxury and excess was pointless, always stressing a humble type of living, and an absolute consciousness of your blessings and graces, and your duty to the less fortunate.
I know that there's a reason Dad made it to His and Mom's Anniversary, Mom's Bday, Ate's Bday, His Bday, Xmas, New Year, Kuya and I's bday party, and he passed the day before our bdays. Without a doubt he willed himself to make it, and left before our Bdays, cause he didn't wanna take any shine away from us or dampen the days, you the man Frank the Tank. I will always hold to the fact that his spirit outlived his body, and I the sharpest most moving memories I have of him were in those last days, when he had his greatest moments of clarity, and he recognized that what was most important in life.
2 days before he passed, he pulled me aside while he was lying in bed and said, "You know my dream was to inspire people, and if I can't go on, I want you, (looking at me) and I want you (looking at my brother) to finish it for me." That moment right there set me up for the rest of my life, and I feel like every decision I've had to make since then has been a no brainer as I base it off that moment, and I use it as my reference point for every big decision i make.
There's so much more I wanna say about Pop, but I'l leave it at this, and I'll just try my best to keep his legacy going on through the actions, decisions, and purpose of the rest of my life.
I can't say enough about the trials of this past year, but I can't stress enough how much I'm blessed. Thank you so much to every friend and family member, there's a ridiculous wave of brilliance, sincerity, and integrity that I'm surrounded by constantly, so I know, all i have to do is remember Dad's wisdom and follow all your examples, and I'm left without a drop of doubt that I'll be just fine on my journey.
If you've stuck it out to finish this, I made a track for Dad last year, a couple weeks after he passed. Check it out if you'd like, I have a little myspace music page, but I keep it more just as a place to hold some of the stuff I've been able to make.
Today we celebrated Dad's 1 year anniversary of passing, my bday, my brother's bday, and the remnants of time passing were clearly visible. Thanks to Lawry, for giving me some motivation with his blog post today.
When I was younger I remember every family party being a boisterous occasion, full of a raucous energy that took on a life of it's own when the collective synergy of our familial personalities settled in as the food was served. Whooping and Hollering, red faced overzealous laughter, cackles, high pitched squeals, tears, pounding on tables, the use of props, it was no holds barred in order to capture the laughs of your cousins, parents, siblings, aunts, and uncles.
But like clockwork, unbeknownst to me, year after year would past, and just like a movie montage where time passes, characters once present would slowly fade into the background, and it wasn't until this past Christmas, did I realize the accumulation of those years. No Dad, Uncle Bert was in the hospital after his 2nd heart valve tear, and some cousins went with other in laws. It felt counterfeit, I felt like I was cheated, there was no credit applied to my expectations of our hearty yearly traditions, just a distinct lacking, and a missing raucous energy nowhere to be found.
Today, I observed. In the year since Dad's been gone I feel like I've transformed into an expert observer, catching on to more than I'll ever let anyone know, and catching onto human subtleties, and nuances. It might come from the hermit like existence I took onto for the time I moved backed home, or the endless reflections I've had constantly about philosophy, life's meaning, my existence, and the purpose of everything within it's grand scheme since Dad's passed.
But Uncle Bert was able to make it, and he plopped down onto a chair in the living room, with a vacant stare, while the party commenced in the other room.
Next was Uncle Louie, who we had to rearrange cars in the driveway, just so we could get the car onto the driveway where we had to use his walker, then switch to his wheelchair to get him into the house. His wife Tita Minda first came in, and said, "I can't get into the driveway, so I'm just gonna leave Uncle Louie in the car and come inside for a minute and I won't stay long". But in her eyes it was obvious, I would love to stay and enjoy this gathering as they get fewer and farther between, but it's too much trouble to get Uncle Louie in the house, and I don't wanna burden anyone, so it's ok.
I knew in an instant, that Dad would have deemed this unacceptable, so we coordinated a switch of cars, and we slowly but surely got him into the party, and give him and Tita Minda a brief respite from the arduous cycle of cumbersome tasks that daily life has turned into.
I pulled in Uncle Louie and he was right next to Uncle Bert, both with their blank looks, slotted into their relegated positions, almost seeming compartmentalized from the rest of the party, just biding their time.
My instinct was to be sad, and feel for them, but I came to realize that this situation was not a case of them being forsaken, or forgotten, but nothing more than the remnants of time passed. Do they feel fulfilled? Are they satisfied with the life that they had lived? That's not a question for me to answer, but to me it was evident, time had passed, and eventually, my time will come as well.
The only thing I can make sure of is that I live a full, fulfilled, passionate life, and settling for nothing less, so that when I take my seat as Uncle Bert and Uncle Louie, I can only think of the blessings and learnings in store for my loved ones within the rest of their journeys. P.L.P
