Well, there's so much i wanna write about so forgive the extent of this, but i'll try my best to slowly decmpress everything in a series of posts, not just one.

This week our family held Dad's two viewings on monday and tuesday, and the funeral was wednesday, with a reception after. With everything's that's gone on for the past week and a half, It's taken me a couple day of rest and contemplation and writing, to just get back from the complete mental and physical exhaustion that i felt a couple days ago.

Everyday since Dad's passing was one event after another, a prayer service everyday, scrambling to finalize all of dad's arrangements, constantly contemplating life and the indelible changes that have occurred and forever change your world, and life, speaking to everyone who was gracious to give their condolences. The one thing i would never have realized is how taking condolences can at times hurt you, in the aspect that, as time passes you're continuously trying to heal and deal with the harsh reality, but when you receive condolences you have to in away rehash the memory of everything thats played out, and relive that moment in order for you to share that connection of sympathy you are receiving from good willed folks.

On Monday, I thought before going to the wake, that my family and I had to somewhat come to a sense of peace about Dad's passing and believing in the higher purpose for which he had to leave cause his work here was done, and his spirit fought on harder than his body could.

But of course, when we got to the mortuary, I quickly realized nothing will ever prepare you for seeing a loved one in that setting, for me seeing dad there was a surreal intensity in a rush of emotion that swept over me and I had no power or control over my emotions for a good 10-15 mins. This time seeing Dad without his essence present, his love, his smile, his fight, his wisdom, his spirit, i saw that Dad had truly been sent upstairs to do his real work upstairs.

In spending time with Dad over the last 5 months, I realized a lot of what he taught me, and instilled in me, but in his passing, he left me a final gift that I could not have forseen.

Just think of the perception that you have your parents now. And how you're thankful for everything they've done, but in still you see them as your parents and hold that perspective. That's what it is was for me, I saw Dad as fighting while he was sick, trying to beat his cancer, and I saw him as brave. But once he passed, the outpouring of love, of true love, people talking to us seeming like a piece of them was missing, and sharing stories about our dad from a perspective that I never knew my Dad to be. He INSPIRED people, he MOVED people, he captivated, he made people laugh, and all this was something I somewhat knew already, but to the level of which he affected people and the Amount of people is what completely turned upside down my vision and perception of Dad. We reserved a chapel and we reserved an overflow chapel for the services with an expectant of about 175 visitors, but to see that night that both rooms filled and the mortuary was filled to the point of people waiting to the front door and having upwards of almost 300 people that first night literally left me in awe of the scope of effect my dad had. I picture him now as a friend, a motivator, confidante, counselor, man of faith, and a person who willingly accepted his fate and faced death straight up and said he was ready. to be cont.

It's been a week since Dad passed, and I'm finishing up Dad's slideshow and picking out all the music for his viewing tomorrow and Tuesday. To be honest, I'm pretty damn nervous. I told Dad I'd be strong for Mom and the rest of the fam, but as the weeks gone along I just keep missing him more and more, and as much as I know he's not sad, and he's happier than he's ever been, it's the selfish human side of me that wants him back, even to just have one more conversation with him, equipped with all the insight and knowledge he taught me in his passing. Just to hear him say, "Ryan, you're such a big help to me", or "I love you son", "Ry", or just "Yeah, thats a good idea". After prayer tonight Tito Monch my dad's bro was worried he's gonna break down a bit tomorrow upon seeing Dad, and I reassured him that Dad looked even more peaceful when he passed then in his last few months sleeping when he would labor to rest. But then it worried me, what if I get caught, seeing Dad and feeling this rush of emotion and I can't hold back. But I know it'll be all in the natural course of things, and when I can get myself together, and just remember everything pop taught me, told me, and passed on to me, I'll be able to be that rock for others, and see the peace he's in, and share his message and keep his legacy going before giving in to my own emotions.

it's been a crazy crazy week to say the least, and probably the longest 5-6 days of my life, It's feels like it's been weeks since Sunday. But none the less, this process has taken me across the spectrum and range of human emotions, but thankfully the one that hasn't been present is regret. That's one of the main things that makes this process filled with peace and makes me see the beauty in life and also in death. I see the outpouring of love, the support, just how OG of a guy my dad was, and how i didn't realize to what extent until he passed, and I was able to hear all these firsthand accounts of admiration, and inspiration he gave to others, and it truly has given me a new perspective on his life and just how amazing he was, and I'm glad that he left that as a final gift to his family here.

But I know even more so, Dad still left me one more gift. I remember last night before i went to sleep in his spot on his bed, praying for him to come and help me, and just help me with my path and direction in life, as I decided I was going to put Japan on hold, and wondering about when I would be able to get my life started again, but still worrying about mom and worried about the guilt of leaving and her not being ready yet. Dad also knew that after Roadtrip Nation I had so much momentum and was ready to follow my path and go for everything I was dreaming about and my passions, but with his cancer coming back he wanted me to come home and be back with the family for support. So that was tough for me, but I came to peace with it, and this morning, when i woke up I checked my email as i usually do, and I saw my pop's gift for me.

I got an email, from Roadtrip Nation, asking me if I would be interested in a position as a roadie. Since I've done a roadtrip already and they would want me to share my stories on the road of my trip. I've pasted the details of the job below, and am just a bit in shock still, but I know Dad hooked me up. Thanks Dad.

Roadtrip Nation Roadie Position

We are looking for adventurous, young, energetic people to go on a national tour across the country and visit college and university campuses and rally people to join the Roadtrip Nation movement! Your job title will be a roadie. You will be hired to be the face of Roadtrip Nation and promote the RTN Movement. This is a full time job where half the time you will be working in our office in Costa Mesa, CA and the other half you will be on the road in one of our GREEN RVs! This adventure will stretch you to your limits and will end up being one of the hardest and best experiences of your life! We are going to bring you into the Roadtrip Nation family, train you, greenlight you for Indie Roadtrip, and then send you on a team to share your experience and Roadtrip Nation with students across the country!

We receive a lot of applications for this position so please make sure you visit www.roadtripnation.com so that you already have an understanding of what we do BEFORE YOU APPLY.
RESPOND THROUGH EMAIL NOT THROUGH THE WEBSITE
The start date is Feb. 16th!

Tour ends April 24th (approximately)

Roadtrip Nation - Mission Statement - As a generation, we need to get back to focusing on individuality - self construction rather than mass production. Define your own road in life instead of traveling down some else's. Listen to yourself!

We are a grassroots company that is finding the open road.

No box.

No boundaries.

This is an incredible opportunity to travel, meet new people, learn many new skills (filming, editing, RV driving, public speaking, ect.) and so much more!

This is a paid position

Requirements -

- Age between 18-28 years old

- Valid Driver’s License

- 2 month commitment

Surreal beyond my belief. That's the only way to describe the past two days of my life, and my 26th Birthday. After about two and a half hours of sleep, mom and I spoke about Dad, I wrote my blog entry for yesterday. After we went to hear mass at 8:30. It was definitely a feeling I had never experienced before, going to church to celebrate my birthday, but at the same time still dealing with the loss of Dad just a couple hours before.

After, we ate breakfast with some family, and it went back and forth between discussing memories of dad, filled with pockets of introspective silence by all.
From breakfast we went straight to the mortuary to get ready to set the arrangements for Dad. This was one of the things I was so afraid of doing, as it's something you think about but don't actually really think about deeply because you would never want to unless the circumstance called for it. And i know Dad was watching over me, cause as soon as I got out of the car, I felt an energy and the for some reason the warmth of the sun and i just sensed dad, and a peacefulness overcame me. We went in for a couple hours and went over everything from tedious paperwork, to floral arrangements, to the picking a casket in a showroom(that was weird, but i guess someones gotta sell coffins), and to looking at plots. The whole time we had out this one picture of Dad that just captures him in his essence flashing his million dollar smile with his trademark thumbs up, and it such a powerful picture, that evokes emotions whenever i look at it, and that picture gave me everything i needed to get through the day.

After everything we came home and started of first day of nine, where we all gather and pray for Dad, and the turnout was pretty amazing for being so short notice. We had about 40 people come and to just have all the love for Dad in the house, made me proud to be his son, and made it feel as if he was around.


After prayers, I took a nap for a bout an hour and caught up on rest. Then the boys texted me and told me that they had something for me for my Bday. At around eleven my fam told me to go and celebrate the last hour of my bday, and it was the perfect lowkey, but meaningful celebration for me, as I got to just chill like a kid. I got to BC and Beej's pad and there was BC, Beej, Pep, Errol, Big Kat, Diane, and Camacho, greeting me with a birthday cake with some special 69 candles, Ray Riggs in icing, with the S fashioned like stussy. Talk about a money ass cake. Also with me not being the biggest fan of drinking, but the biggest fan of all things icy, they got me shots, not alcohol, but the ice cream, "Shots". So i went ahead and turned into a party monster and down a couple double shots. The final complement to the meal was the wonderfully crispy taquitos prepared by Big Kat.
But by far the most fun and most mind easing thing i did all night and have done in the past turbulent days, was the bike racing we did around the block. We all timed ourselves as we biked around the block twice trying to get the fastest time. Anyhow, on the last ride I got the fastest time which puit me in a world of hurt, but then the guys made my birthday. They hyped up my meaningless ride for fun, calling it "Record Breaking" and letting me dedicate it to my Dad. It was something small, but it did more than those guys know for me. They let me be a kid doing somehting I really wanted to and they accepted me for it, and even found a way to include Dad in it. And for that I am thankful, and blessed, and shared the most memorable Bday of my life.




Hey Dad,
You left without leaving us, and in that you did it in the most peaceful way. I slept with mom, we left a space for you at the end. I replay everything over and over in my head, and there's no doubt in my heart mind and soul, that God planned it, and let you have every single moment you needed to make peace with everything, you made it to every single big date that you set your mind to, 35th anniversary, Mom's 60th, Ate's Bday, Your 62nd Bday, Xmas, Pacquiao-DelaHoya, and you even made me and kuya's birthday celebration, and wanted to pass before our bdays. I see it so much, me and mom woke up at 6 this morning and we just talked and reminisced about you for an hour, and to tell you the truth I miss you so much and I love you with all my heart, yet when i get a bit down, my sadness always fades with that sense of positivity, and peace that you carried with you in your final days. You defied what doctors said, and you strengthened my faith and made it as much a part of me as you are. The new beat is yours now, and it's gonna be your song,and it'll be the one song that out of all that I make that will give me the most freedom and just let me truly pour my heart into the track. I was just thinking, that when Roadtrip Nation plays, its just another way your legacy is gonna keep going. When you told me your dream was to inspire, and that if you didn't finish your mission you wanted me and kuya to continue it, that's when i realized YOU ARE MY HERO, and thanks dad, you just set me up for life, and consider it done. Believe I'm taking every single one of your sayings and lessons and carrying it with me in my life and use that to inspire others and give em hope.
-Always be a thinking man
-L.D.P.D Lord, discipline, persistence, determination
-Forgiveness, Be Humble, Live Simply
It overwhelms me to see how much I'm realizing now, and on my birthday I'm even more overwhelmed and honored that you truly have found peace, and I feel your presence even more now.
Thanks Dad, now I am !Empowered! me and you now, let's make tangible results. Love You





Faint cries of impassioned playground politics
bustling traffic distanced
splintered agendas strewn
shadows cast upon
bustling spots of an earlier day
tranquil in its emptiness
still within its purpose
completed for the day

Israeli forces shell UN headquarters in Gaza

A Palestinian firefighter talks on a radio as they try to put out a fire at theAP – A Palestinian firefighter talks on a radio as they try to put out a fire at the United Nations headquarters …

GAZA CITY, Gaza Strip – Israel shelled the United Nations headquarters in the Gaza Strip on Thursday, engulfing the compound and a warehouse in fire and destroying thousands of pounds of food and humanitarian supplies intended for Palestinian refugees.

Another Israeli bombardment on Thursday killed the Hamas security chief.

U.N. workers and Palestinian firefighters, some wearing bulletproof jackets, struggled to douse the flames and pull bags of food from the debris after the Israeli attack, which was another blow to efforts to ease the humanitarian crisis in the Gaza Strip. Dense smoke billowed from the compound.

U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon, who is in the region to end the devastating offensive against Gaza's Hamas rulers, demanded a "full explanation" and said the Israeli defense minister told him there had been a "grave mistake."

Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert, who met with Ban later Thursday, said the military fired artillery shells at the U.N. compound after Hamas militants opened fire from the location. Three people were wounded.

"It is absolutely true that we were attacked from that place, but the consequences are very sad and we apologize for it," he said. "I don't think it should have happened and I'm very sorry."

The U.N. Security Council requested a briefing on the attack.

Interior Minister Said Siam was killed in an Israeli airstrike that flattened a home in Gaza City. Israel and Hamas both confirmed the death of Siam, who oversaw thousands of security agents and was considered to be among the militant group's top five leaders in Gaza.

Even as a top Israeli envoy went to Egypt to discuss a cease-fire proposal, the military pushed farther into Gaza in an apparent effort to step up pressure on Hamas. Ground forces thrust deep into a crowded neighborhood for the first time, sending terrified residents fleeing for cover. Shells also struck a hospital, five high-rise apartment buildings and a building housing media outlets in Gaza City, injuring several journalists.

Bullets also entered another building housing The Associated Press offices, entering a room where two staffers were working but wounding no one. The Foreign Press Association, representing journalists coveringIsrael and the Palestinian territories, demanded a halt to attacks on press buildings.

The army had collected the locations of media organizations at the outset of fighting to avoid such attacks.

In Washington, the Bush administration was racing in its final days to negotiate a last-minute deal on American support for Egyptian-led truce mediation efforts under which the U.S. would provide technical support and expertise to prevent Hamas from re-arming, said U.S. and Israeli diplomats.

It was not immediately clear if members of President-elect Barack Obama's or Secretary of State-designate Hillary Rodham Clinton transition teams were being advised of the talks, which could lead to a prominent and ongoing U.S. role in the truce.

The diplomats spoke on condition of anonymity due to the sensitivity of the negotiations.

Israel launched its war on Dec. 27 in an effort to stop militant rocket fire from Gaza that has terrorized hundreds of thousands of Israelis. Some 1,100 Palestinians have been killed, roughly half of them civilians, according to U.N. and Palestinian medical officials. Gaza health official Dr. Moaiya Hassanain said at least 70 people were killed or died of wounds throughout Gaza on Thursday.

Thirteen Israelis also have been killed since the campaign began. Israel says it will press ahead until Hamas halts the rocket fire and stops smuggling weapons into Gaza from neighboring Egypt.

Israeli police said 20 rockets hit southern Israel on Thursday, injuring 10 people. Five of the wounded were in a car that was struck in the city of Beersheba.

The U.N. compound struck Thursday houses the U.N. Works and Relief Agency, which distributes food aid to hundreds of thousands of destitute Gazans in the tiny seaside territory of 1.4 million people.

"I conveyed my strong protest and outrage to the defense minister and foreign minister and demanded a full explanation," said Ban, who arrived in Israel on Thursday morning from Egypt.

It had only that morning become a makeshift shelter for 700 Gaza City residents seeking sanctuary from relentless Israeli shelling, U.N. officials in Gaza said.

John Ging, director of UNRWA operations in Gaza, said the attack at the compound caused a "massive explosion" that wounded three people.

A senior Israeli military officer said troops opened fire after militants inside the compound shot anti-tank weapons and machine guns. The officer spoke on condition of anonymity pending a formal army announcement later in the day.

Ging, who was in the compound at the time, dismissed the Israeli account as "nonsense."

Israeli shells first hit the courtyard filled with refugees, then struck garages and the U.N.'s main warehouse, sending thousands of tons of food aid up in flames, Ging said. Later, fuel supplies went up in flames, sending a thick black plume of smoke into the air.

U.N. officials said the shells that hit the compound contained white phosphorus, which is believed to have been responsible for burns suffered by some Palestinian civilians during the war.

"It's a total disaster for us," Ging said, adding that the U.N. had warned the Israeli military that the compound was in peril from shelling that had begun overnight. U.N. officials say they have provided Israel with GPS coordinates of all U.N. installations in Gaza to prevent such attacks.

The refugees were moved to a school away from the immediate fighting, he said.

Separately, Israel shells landed next to a U.N. school in another Gaza City neighborhood, wounding 14 people who had sought sanctuary there, medics and firefighters said.

An Israeli attack near a U.N. school in northern Gaza earlier this month killed nearly 40 people. At the time, Israel said militants had fired on army positions from the beginning.

___

Barzak reported from Gaza City; Teibel from Jerusalem. Associated Press writers Karin Laub and Ian Deitch in Jerusalem, Sarah El Deeb in Cairo, and Mattew Lee in Washington contributed to this report.

its the time frame given for my dad from doctors.
I'm not sure exactly what I should make of it.
It's not like we've haven't heard this before, but this time it knocked me just a little harder in the gut than the previous roadblocks. I haven't lost faith, I'm not angered with the fate and the cards that have been dealt, but in a sense I feel guilt. A guilt of looking to the future and being excited about Japan and the possibility of it, a guilt of thinking that what if God's plan is that he does need pop, and does that make me fight not as hard in keeping dad brave in his battle? A guilt in thinking sometimes of scenarios and life without Dad. A guilt that today when we were talking about the Warriors today, I said, "Think about how good this guy will be in a couple years dad" then realizing with that damn prognosis lingering in my head that dad might not be around to see that, or might not even care anymore, since he's busy living in the moment and making the most of it. A guilt in talking way too much like being at home is a burden to me, and a trial i have to get through. A guilt for losing patience when doing tasks for dad that he has trouble with now, that I should be accepting of with a smile and the satisfaction of knowing that I'm making life just a little bit more easier for him. A guilt for being able to give advice, an opinion, some words to uplift for others whenever ask, but freezing up at times when I have the same chance to do that for Dad. A guilt in that some times I'm not sure if I should pray for dad's full recovery, or pray for God's plans to be fulfilled, cause the i'm not sure what they are. But regardless of all that, I still know at the end of the day there will be peace with whatever may come in the grace of God.

I'm not worried about myself, cause I've accepted what will be will be, but I worry more so than anybody, for mom. Her life is dad, her complete commitment in life right now is to taking care of dad and every single need. Dad always makes comments like, "it'll all be ok as long as your mom is by my side." Then I think of everything that they do as a couple, and I think what if. I'm terrified of that prospect, and deep down, I know mom is one of the most iron willed women i've ever met or known, but for me to just try to put myself in those shoes on a smaller scale, like of losing some of my relationships, with the longest being at about 3 years, then adding on 32 years, 3 children, and lifetime full of memories, and a life anchored upon each other, becomes a bit overwhelming for me. But in all of my doubt, i know my mom can do it, and that's what makes her such a much stronger and more faithful person then myself.

sorry, didn't really mean to be a downer, but just really needed to let some things out so i could take a look at them and reflect on em. also, really for anyone out there, if there's someone or something you need to come to peace with and you know it's worth it, and it's just a bit of self pride, or some fear standing in the way, somehow find it in yourself to say eff it, and make that effort. The end product of your efforts will be far greater than any sum of those fears and pain of past incidents. Peace.

Emancipator - With Rainy Eyes

dad got his latest CT scan today, and it showed the continued progression of his cancer, in his liver and in his lungs. With the weight dad's been losing and how it seems he been becoming weaker and less mobile, all the stress put on the fam, and the worry of all my fam members, the one thing out out it all that still sticks out beyond everything, is the peace that my dad has, the faith that what is happening to him is all part of a plan, and the ability to keep his spirit strong for everyone else, as his attitude is the marker for which everyone bases their attitude off of. Def. wasn't the results we wanted, but all that isn't really as important anymore as the progression of our family, our bond, and our faith.

Quote from former Indy Colts Coach Tony Dungy
"I'm at a point, kind of like the Apostle Paul, If I live, it's good. If i die and go home with the Lord, it's better"


I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge - myth is more potent than history - dreams are more powerful than facts - hope always triumphs over experience - laughter is the cure for grief - love is stronger than death Robert Fulgham

Check out Bambu's, music video/short film, definitely an inspiration for myself to see a Filipino emcee, doin his thing, and turning what he's lived into a positive for the future. Check out his blog too if you get the chance, i've got it on my sidebar.



Bambu "Crooks & Rooks" Music Video (Short Film Version) from Kid Heroes on Vimeo.

This is from CB Shaw who does video mash ups with mixes on youtube, he's pretty sick, check out the first one he ever made. 


the playlist of tracks
Napoleon Dynamite
DQwon's dance grooves
Eminem Without Me
Sweet Dreams The Eurythmics 
Call on Me Eric Prydz
50 Cent In Da Club
Benny Bennasi Satisfaction
Sir Mix A Lot Baby Got Back (I Like Big Butts)
I'm Rick James Bitch Dave Chappelle
cb shaw video scratching demonstration
The World Is Mine - David Guetta




So i turned my application for teaching english in Japan today, along with Jhus, Tang, Kunal, Alvaro, and Kenny, man if it all works out, I have feeling we could be in for a ridiculous adventure. It's kinda crazy, cause even 6 months ago, there's no way I would have really 100% wanted to do this. But i guess its the life road twisting and turning, and taking me to this next chapter in my life hopefully. Sometimes you feel so helpless when life is so sweeping and overpowering, as it takes you and all you can do is go along for the ride, but at the end of some of those rides you can hardly believe where you end up.

Man, i really wanna be a part of one of these one day.

Just a little food for thought on the state of the Hip Hop Industry in the United States.

You know Soulja Boy from his mega hit "Crank Dat". With him for awhile having the hottest song out there, I decided to check out a freestyle of his. I also wanted to compare him to an emcee that's been making music for years, but unless you follow hip hop a little closer than most, you will have no clue who he is. He is Brother Ali, of Rhymesayers Entertainment. Check out each of the freestyles, and see the originality of each of their ideas and the longevity of each. Then ask yourself again, who is the one that was the artist with a megahit.

Soulja Boy Freestyle


Brother Ali Freestyle



Here's a track "The Truth" from Freeway and Brother Ali produced by Jake One, listen closely to Brother Ali's verse(it starts at 1:37), the power and depth of which he can reach to share about himself in his one minute and ten second verse is ridiculous. I'm still wondering why Supermanning a ho is more vital to the music industry than the real life issues Brother Ali is rhyming about.

Sup sup sup


On Jhus and Me's drive back from So cal last night, it was like an 8 hour stream of consciousness where I'm pretty sure I analyzed my life from every point possible, and tried to view it from as many angles as possible. To say the least, I went through a myriad of emotions, and realizations, as another year comes to fruition, so does another time of transition and change for me, and I'm getting to that point right now, where life seems like a bunch of transitions and changes, til you get the ingredients just right and move forward with the next stage of life, striving to fulfill your personal visions. So I apologize in advance for how the entry might just keep jumping around or seem jumbled, but I'm just gonna write about things as they pop in my head.

Since my last entry a good amount has happened. Of course the new year, so Happy New Year to you. I remember last year, I was so happy for 2007 to end, for as much it taught me, it dragged me through the mud a bit, slapped me upside the head, and shook the way I would look at life forever. So I came in 2008, thinking about how I was determined to tear a little ish up, cause I spent the year before constantly trying to get back on track from life's tough love lessons. 

2008 started and went off waaay better than I could have ever imagined, living in Germainder with the type of folks around me that really pushed me to keep writing, and not be afraid to look at myself as an artist, cause just saying that about myself makes me squirm, I prefer simple guy with something to say sometimes. 

Of course, with no need to say Roadtrip Nation, blew my mind, and I'm now committed to spending the rest of my life chasing my dream, passion, vision, whatever you call it, I'm on it now and there's no moving me away from it. Once again, eternally grateful.

Coming back to So cal again, I love how instantaneous the feeling of nothing has changed within the fondness and chemistry of all the people I see time and time again. It's a motivating factor that pushes me to go and do my thing, cause no matter what happens, that air of chemistry and connection, it may change a bit because of certain circumstance and life responsibilities, but at the root of it, it's def a true, real, tangible, palpable love, that pushes to me to settle for nothing less than exceeding my own self expectations. 

I didn't even realize the importance of coming home and reconnecting with everybody here. The nasty nine and the 02' fellas, 99' cats, still going, and though its been 4 years, im already back to feeling like a beat still hasn't skipped. You guys gave me the outlet and saved me on days when the weakness was overpowering and i just wanted to leave the home situation. You are the folks that helped mold me and give me a sense of my identity, and really set me up to grow when I got down south, So if i haven't told you guys yet, A million mother effin thanks!

Coming down after having spent about 4 months home, without a doubt gave meeeeee hellla clarity about my situation. When I first came down, it was just putting aside the life that i felt got taken away from me, and just completely ignoring it, and solely focusing on the situation with Dad. After getting some things of my own going here, and being able to have as slug would say it some "emotional investments" you find that sense of purpose and belonging. So I came home last night with a better guage of our fam situation and I think I have finally let go of that gigantic chip on my shoulder that many times, would make me count a lot of things that I did for the fam. A lot of it had to do with the laid back nature of life that I had. No one ever tripped when some mistake or setback occurred, the focus was always on how we're gonna work together and solve it, then get hyped after about we handled our ish. Coming home was the exact opposite, mistakes are met with a lot of yelling, and demeaning comments, but now I understand the pressure that grips everyone, and for someone like my mom or dad, that pressure is never released, cause they are each other's rock, therefore they would never let the other suffer, without sharing that burden and putting it upon myself. It really is something amazing, and something that now let's me go ahead and take the yelling at me and the comments, cause if i can do anything to release a little bit of that pressure or pent up frustration, then I will gladly do my job. 

I also see now that coming home was essential for me to be able to take the next step in my life and try to make the move to Japan(if i get accepted). Pop gave me his blessing last night. And while he did, I still have major reservations about going, as far as not knowing what is gonna be going on with the fam situation, but in that regard I came to a major major major realization. Pop's always stressed to me that God comes first in life, and I know he holds that to be true without a doubt. In that, I also see myself with what God has given me in my life as an instrument. I believe without a doubt my gift in life is that I can see that light within people, regardless if whether or not they bury it, they front as something else, or if they're too afraid to let it shine and live and have the freedom to explore all the possibilities of our world and our lives. In that regard, I think to do that is in a way God's work, just to share love indiscriminantly and show people just how capable and powerful beyond their own belief they are. I feel that if i can go to Japan and make an impact on lives there, while challenging myself to see life from another vantage point, and see the beauty in it, a sense of unstoppableness to do that work anywhere and at anytime will come out of it. 

Also, if i can take some of my music there, and connect with people because of it, and really be able to share my stuff in a place where there is no such thing as having to have "street cred" or a pre conceived concept of what hip hop should look like or sound like, that would just be game over. It seems soooo far off and such a remote possibility, but i visualize it on the daily as much as I can, and it seems to get working on the things necessary to make that happen, and baby steppin towards it is all im trying to do on the daily. 

I know there's more but ill write about it later. Til then, PEEEEEEACE!