!Empower!

With writing a lot lately and gettin ready to put down a couple more tracks with DL this week, I really have wanted to pour all of my energy into the new creative process at home that I have all the time in the world for. Last night Mabeans was up in the bay with Miller and we rolled to DLs to have Beans put something down, as I think of Beans as someone who truly captures who they are when they play the keys, and I vibe with that so much. In all the talk and interactions and knowledge dropping of DL through the night, I learned another aspect of the music making side, one that requires a better knowledge of the technical aspects of music theory, and the use of music programs. I decided with just work and fam in my immediate priorities, I'm going to add music and music production to it, and I'm going to commit myself to learn as much as possible. Still being broke pretty much even after my first paycheck, I decided that in the inspiration of the night I was going to make a smart investment, that my money would eventually recover from, but I bought a keyboard. I really want to be able to produce a sound of my own, and this is a start and it even has pads to create some drums for a beat! Check it out

M-Audio Axiom 25 Keyboard MIDI Controller



Here's to making and producing and projecting myself out to the universe!!!

Recently for work i've been working a day camp at an elementary school, and working it, I've been completely re-exposed to school yard politics, antics, and boundless amounts of energy. So many of kids that I've built relationships with in the past week and a half are such a trip to me. On one hand, when I interact and play with them, their attention is completely and solely focused on playing with me and having my undivided attention and making sure I can play in the way that I want. Then on the other hand, you see that when they find something else that captures their interest like some other kid with the newest pokemon cards, a kid with a 4square ball, or a kid with a world stopping scrumptious snack, they instantly forget you and are warped into that new world that consumes their whole being.

I always thought it was so interesting, the phenomenon that children have the single focus of reacting to their stimulus' and chasing it down with tremendous passion and determination. I thought of ways to describe it and thought of ways define in a way to myself that made sense but i really couldn't. I couldn't say it was a young child's selfishness, cause I know if they knew any better they wouldn't react with such tunnel vision. But then my boss Brett put it in the perfect words for me. "Kids are the living definition of living in the moment". Exactly.
It got me thinking about these days in my life, that the times I enjoy the most and relax the most, are the ones when I don't over think, and over analyze issues to the point where I just psyche myself out. I think this day in age people don't allow themselves anymore the chance to live in the moment and focus solely on the activity at hand in the moment, without looking ahead to whats next schedule. It's something I plan on doing more, and I'm just glad I got the kids around me to teach me that.

Finally, I wanna talk about one the kids at the camp that has stuck out and struck me, his name is: Han Soo. He's a small korean boy in the second grade, who when I first saw, I right away knew had an ailment or condition. I think he has a form of Aloepecia, as he has very thin sparing hair, and very distinct features, with almond shaped squinted eyes, a thin pointy nose and a "prominent cranium" much like the dome I possess. He looks very much like a little old man in a way. So with his physical features he already stands out very much. I figured that considering the way elementary school kids were H.S was going to be targeted or maybe teased and I was a little worried about it, and made sure I kept an extra eye on him.

Just watching him work in the playground truly truly brought me great joy and gave me a shot of optimism. H.S's english is a bit broken with a heavy korean accent, and he speaks in fragments, and the rest of the time he's running around, jumping, grunting, chasing balls, screaming, and falling down on purpose to entertain kids, and laughing wildly. He also has this gift of being supremely content with playing by himself and a soccer ball, but also being able to float from crowd to crowd and joining in seamlessly. I know that in observing him that he is cognisant of his condition and differences from other children, but in him I see a small genius that uses those differences to make other kids laugh and keep them entertained. In return, so many children endear themselves to him and approach him with bright sincere smiles emphasizing that they really enjoy his presence, a sincerity that many children do not extend to each other. During lunch H.S told me that he was from North Korea, and that he came from there not too long ago. That's when I started thinking about everything i've heard and researched about North korea, about its strict government rule, to human rights tragedies, the laundry list of attrocities. Now I know all aren't subject to these but to still see a young boy come from a COMPLETELY different life and culture, and to be able to come to the other side of the world, assimilate, and let his light shine enough to brighten some other kids' lives, is truly amazing, given the circumstances of his life. It invigorates me with hope, encourages me, and motivates far more than that kid will ever know, Thanks Han Soo.
I'm just glad I got the kids around me to teach me that.

Hey all,
wow, it's the best way for me to describe the turn of events that's happened tonight. For many of you that know me, I have 2 kryptonites, the first one being any type of alcohol, and the second is the ever growing insecurity with my family as far as our relationships, and the perception of myself in the family.
I figure that since coming back home, all the reconnecting i can do with the things that I have been apart for four years, will slowly piece me back together with peace, thus giving me the ability to have more faith and confidence in the relationships i've had with people, the place of where i come from, the experiences that I have gone through. But tonight, everything came to a boiling point, exploded, and then found peace in a way, in a way that was so random, I can only attribute it to the sly dog upstairs who made this night one of the most powerful night for me since I've been home.
So if you know me, you know that I have never had what you would call a typical relationship with my brother or my fam. I always felt like the baby grunt who no one really thought could do anything, and my relationship with my brother growing up , was tempetuous to say the least. The best way I could describe our relationship when I was younger would be to call him Wayne from Wonder Years, and myself as Kevin Arnold.
In a lot of ways that relationship growing up kept me from trying a lot of things and I think just instilled low self esteem in myself as I always tried to hang out with my bro and be in the mix, but i was never allowed and usually received some verbal pleasantries on my way out of the room too.
So with me moving out to Irvine, and just realizing as much as I did and learning as much as I did, I think I took the feeling like a family outcast, and used it as a motivating factor to make me better, and reach new things not possible if i were living at home. I also received that constant positive reinforcement that allowed to dream up the possibilities, and my friends always lead me to believe that I was limitless in my potential.
But moving back home so suddenly was a punch to the gut, that brought back all these feelings of insecurity and unsettled business. But regardless, I knew it was to handle this family situation all together and see it through. But in all that time, and also moving back home I realized i still was not comfortable with my bro and didnt have the same relationship with him that I envied that other sibling friends of mine had.
I saw I still hadn't come to terms with all my pent up resentment and frustration with my bro. And, yup, that all changed tonight. To make a long story short, we played a league bball game, and frustration boiled over, with my bro getting ejected from the game, and after i ripped my brother with what I definitely felt was an explosion of pent up feelings and build up, and we started going at it, and just yelling, they asked us to leave the Bball Center and it spilled into the parking lot. We yelled to no avail of understanding each other, and the end of it, I uttered some stuff, I knew I wanted to take back the second I said it, I told him he was no blood of mine, and that he meant nothing to me.
Needless to say, once i got home the fireworks started, and more melee ensued. It was an all out shouting yelling expletive filled match, that i honestly felt was gonna end up in a im different, your different, let's just leave it be. But after about an hour of explaining each other's sides, I was able to realize the one thing that was missing all these years for me to be able to get over that hump of uncomfortability, and being a different person to my brother than i was with friends, and my cousins, I needed him to acknowledge that he wasn't a good big bro and that he was sorry for the way he treated me. Eventually he apologized, and told me about the things I needed to work on, and we left it with a clean slate, and a promise to make an effort to call each other, and fill in each other on our lives and our everdays...
After that, still feeling in a dazed about everything that happened, I called Mr. Mike mothafreakin Song, and had a classic, classic, classic Recharge session with him, discussing life and the places we are at in it. I know now in my heart without a doubt, mark my words, THE POSITIVITY MOVEMENT WILL COME FULL CIRCLE AND WE WILL MAKE IT OUR LIVES! It'a so ridiculous to see how I connect with Mike and how he's on the same wavelength as me, even thought right now we are living COMPLETELY different lives. We came to a point where we agreed everything we were talking about was timed so randomly on point, that it def was the big guy upstairs doing work. We talked about:
1.living in the Irvine bubble, and how always receiving positive reinforcement from friends without living and seeing life outside of the bubble can be very dangerous. Also that living in different places now, I can still feel the presence of my friends and still use that as a driving force for me to be motivated and have self confidence on my own here, and it makes the world jsut seem like a much smaller place.
2.In what Mike, Tang, and I do in our respective forms of expression, there is a heightened awareness and knowledge of self that we have that I think is the most important thing for us to convey in our mediums. I feel these days I listen to music, watch dance, enjoy art, and production in general the most when I feel as though I can connect to the soul and essence of the artist and how they live.
3.We talked about how it's time for us now to move from the bubble and carry on what we've learned from friends, and use that as our motivation to do new things and carry the self confidence in situations that might test it. It's a way of paying tribute to your friends and what they've given you, as you push past challenges, trials, and doubts, because you know what they have given you and empowered you with far outweighs the stress of those.
4.If you didn't catch it the first time, I completely realized without a doubt in my mind, that the livea of those folks in Irvine, and that positive train, will build our livelihood and find the dedication of our lives in that cause, with a doubt.
5. We talked about balance, and doing many different things that take you out of the bubble and out of your comfort zone, in order for you to apply what you've learned, and to pass it on, and to realize yourself as a gift to be shared with others.
6. We talked about that when you put your essence in something and your insecure about it, its really only the dumbmother suckers that are judgmental and are too busy standing in that one place hating, that worry, but you should realize they in reality aren't important, and those who are to you, will recognize the pouring of yourself you have done.

SORRRRY a lot of just stream of consciousness writingm so a lot of it not make sense and seem like they're on diff tangents, but i just had to write as much of it in one go. -Ray

I'll be working 40plus hours these upcoming weeks, doing day camps and the normal after school program. Normally that would be such a pain in the butt, but i think with working that much, I've realized my personal barometer for if a job is right for me. This past week I'd come home exhausted, sticky, and dirtied up just like a 7 year old, from all the running around with kids on the blacktop being the "all time QB" for football, being the monster in hot lava, constantly being "it" and having every single kid call timeout when i'm about to tag them, kids jumping on my back, grabbin onto any free appendage and holding on for dear life, and any other child like hi jinks in general. But the one thing i don't come back home is mentally tired, or in a bad mood, i feel the opposite, refreshed and rejuvenated. Man, I'm not sure if it's in all of us, or maybe i'll just always be supremely immature, and have the instincts to just run around and yell nonsense, but I LOVE BEING A 25 YEAR OLD KID, and I WILL make that my livelihood, in addition to helping others keep that youthfulness and never losing sight of it.

-some writings on a peaceful reflective sunday-
it were the moments
conversations tradin useless information
layin clutched to the security while my world turned insecurely
our silence kept me reflecting just enough to question the circumstances,
yet tryin the best to relish it
sometimes speakin just to reinforce my presence
then realizing your moment was being savored
no lapses no freeze frames, no tunnel vision of being the only people in each others universe
it was the ordinary me, being treated ordinarily,
rockin imperfections, the subtleties that made symmetry
still knowing in the big picture, our frame didn't fit,
as the comfort padded my struggles
some sort of reliance, and the net possessed
i swooned too many times and you bounced me back onto my feet
but i wonder if you even ever knew
the beauty in your oblivion,
to the deeds that kept me tugged upon your boat,
the same innocence
that released and left me on my own to float
wished my world for the splendor of this one to herself be received
but its that same reception
thats leading you away from me
so i made choice
begrudgingly pressing delete, wiping confliction from my face
to be able to search for next at the cost of one last gash from a double edged blade
and days passed, purgin from the prior
findin out, what's there to blame
if she's finding her way, the splendor upon herself in display,
its tuggin at my heartstrings to wish to be involved
but as the world turns, its my turn to step away and revolve,
confident your issues are well on their way to resolved,
and i'll be we on my way as long as i trust my resolve.

some progressive music i'm diggin lately, Way Out West.

Hey hey hey

so one of our interviews from Road Trip Nation this past summer in NZ is now on the MSN website.

http://video.msn.com/video.aspx?vid=8411b5e8-bcd9-44ed-9245-ebcd70bbd9c9

or go to http://video.msn.com and search
for "Malcolm Crawshay" or
"Roadtrip Nation"

it won't be on the final cut on the show, so this interview will
only be on this site. Malcolm was truly a simple man following
his passion that was found at the most random of times,
and he started from nothing. He's basically the underdog you
root for in life and he made it, now he's sharing that
goodwill and paying it forward!

Also my random musing of the day- when working with elementary
school kids and playing with them, never wear a white shirt, or
you as well will have the same soot covered white t-shirt look
just like an authentic elementary school kid!

During times of transition and acclimation to a new situation that in some ways you still struggle to accept fully, nature creates waves of influx, and ebb and flow of peaks and gorges, and sights that are within your vision but of reach, tempting you by just barely being visible on your horizons. It forces you to make a choice, to take on each seemingly inconsequential monotonous task in order to baby step and gradually rise to your goal, or to realize and put the shutters on to only the end product of which you seek.

When seeking 1 specific thing and striving to achieve, in actuality unknowingly or not, you havegiven your subconscious consent to learn and uncover new aspects of your person, and a face to face look with your insecurities, and clarity of what drives you in life.

For myself, the goal is a simple cliche and broad in its reach, which leaves itself open to misinterpretation, judgment, and certain folks placing me in a box, but of course, it's only natural. But if you haven't guessed yet, yup, it's to "change the world".

At this moment, I find myself in a state of constant sorting, and constant questioning of my motives, and self adequacy. Right now, I'm making less than i was making in Irvine before I had my degree, and before I went on the road trip to New Zealand. To be denied by other jobs that I really had set my heart on and have to accept a job which at first I thought was step backwards, was honestly a humbling experience. But to face those aspects and deal with it comes with the territory. Like when i speak to my friends, and family with much further established jobs and financial plans then I do, about work I get struck with an acute sense of insecurity and the worry of judgment. But I've told myself in order to build up to change the world, i've gotta do anything necessary, whether it be grinding at a low paying job getting experience and perspective, as long as I start taking those baby steps thinkin globally but acting locally.

I think as meaningful and as powerful as experience as it has been moving home, its also shown me what I am sacrificing by going home, and what I won't be willing to compromise for myself once I do move out. I've realized the utmost importance of an outlet, and the need for a support valve, and environment of those that will support you and reinforce the aspects of yourself in which you neeed it the most. In that regard I've felt so supressed in many ways at home, not really volunteering much information about my plans and dreams, which would probably be more seen by my family as visions of grandeur. When no one really asks you how you're holding up and you feel as though a big big chunk of your life contains nothing of interest to your most immediate family, and when you do share a little, it is met with a good amount of resistance, that practice of sharing pretty much goes out the window.

But also in that regard, you see so much more of how your family expresses their love for you in the ways you may have never chosen before to see as acts of love and compassion. For that I truly am grateful, and thankful that I can recgonize those acts without the articulation of love for you, just purely and simply acts of love and compassion, as I realize their times didn't allow for the acceptance of expression and verbal eloquence of love so much.

Sorry, don't really ever mean to be a downer, but sometimes I just need to release and project and put out those doubts into the universe so I can be free once again to receive the next wave of positivity and enlightenment into my life, and hopefully pay it forward to everyone who has shared their personal gifts with me. So i'll keep trying my best to focus my energy and efforts on only the things I can affect and invest my soul in, and just realize that situations out of my control are the chosen roads for me to travel in order for me to be able to leave my prints on the world.

and the one quote that really gets me by these days
"God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference."

4 days removed from that stand
accepting the burden postponed
buried under the deception of false hope
recollect my present day pillars and new found re-connections
resurrect em, and direct them
to rehabilitation
10 million graces dwarfed
as they stake down my soul in this storm
and i faintly hear their encouragement encased in
building to a crescendo increasing the ability to resonate within
from a single basis, unconditional, liberal, and literal
as i struggle to rise from a pavement
befuddled in the bevy of technology, i'm behind the information
bitterness hints, but fails to draw reaction
at peace with the deficiencies, and more so content with my proficiencies
bestowin myself a symbol equal to the missions i seek to be
til comrades gave themselves in offerings a weekly
Accepted that donut and enjoyed the perks ever sweetly

sorry just wrote some blah blah blah, excuse it if not's the greatest

Freewrite right here to The Grouch's new track "Breath".
once again if it doesn't make sense at points please know that im just gonna continuously type without stopping or hesitation, and just correct punctuation later, so excuse any repeats or cliches!

Would never classify myself as old school
just an old fool
swimming in the soot,
stuck in a rut, yet im swimming with an anchor tuggings at my ankles
view my troubles from a periscope and attempt to wrangle
and mangle the every single question,
festerin, questioning my personal relevance
some days wonder if my time's come for an exodus,
to explore my own and find answers for the medicines sins,
Medicare system wish, things will never change, and hope that's just the way it is
But tupac, was too shot, and i guess things will never change, and thats just the way it is
And now its up to fake shit, and obligatory fabricated industry aided struggles
packaged, grouped with the groupies, and sold by the bundle,
quantified the definition of what's humble,
Tell em to ponder hip hop as intelligent and loving
and mass media makes em respond, "hmmm, bull..."
Plead with em to believe me
Profess it's simply a single avenue, pipeline, and perspective
A version of individual reality, cargo on a vessel
not the only definition, yet as relavent as the currency and precious medals
one thing to confront the past, then describe your flight peaking to its highest,
and one thing to go mainstream, and the continuity to glorify it.
But the paper came correct and your planets are alignin,
So there must be nothing wrong with your contributin to the society
defilin themselves in defiance,
communities in the cross-hairs, as the exploitation is now down to a science.