!Empower!

During times of transition and acclimation to a new situation that in some ways you still struggle to accept fully, nature creates waves of influx, and ebb and flow of peaks and gorges, and sights that are within your vision but of reach, tempting you by just barely being visible on your horizons. It forces you to make a choice, to take on each seemingly inconsequential monotonous task in order to baby step and gradually rise to your goal, or to realize and put the shutters on to only the end product of which you seek.

When seeking 1 specific thing and striving to achieve, in actuality unknowingly or not, you havegiven your subconscious consent to learn and uncover new aspects of your person, and a face to face look with your insecurities, and clarity of what drives you in life.

For myself, the goal is a simple cliche and broad in its reach, which leaves itself open to misinterpretation, judgment, and certain folks placing me in a box, but of course, it's only natural. But if you haven't guessed yet, yup, it's to "change the world".

At this moment, I find myself in a state of constant sorting, and constant questioning of my motives, and self adequacy. Right now, I'm making less than i was making in Irvine before I had my degree, and before I went on the road trip to New Zealand. To be denied by other jobs that I really had set my heart on and have to accept a job which at first I thought was step backwards, was honestly a humbling experience. But to face those aspects and deal with it comes with the territory. Like when i speak to my friends, and family with much further established jobs and financial plans then I do, about work I get struck with an acute sense of insecurity and the worry of judgment. But I've told myself in order to build up to change the world, i've gotta do anything necessary, whether it be grinding at a low paying job getting experience and perspective, as long as I start taking those baby steps thinkin globally but acting locally.

I think as meaningful and as powerful as experience as it has been moving home, its also shown me what I am sacrificing by going home, and what I won't be willing to compromise for myself once I do move out. I've realized the utmost importance of an outlet, and the need for a support valve, and environment of those that will support you and reinforce the aspects of yourself in which you neeed it the most. In that regard I've felt so supressed in many ways at home, not really volunteering much information about my plans and dreams, which would probably be more seen by my family as visions of grandeur. When no one really asks you how you're holding up and you feel as though a big big chunk of your life contains nothing of interest to your most immediate family, and when you do share a little, it is met with a good amount of resistance, that practice of sharing pretty much goes out the window.

But also in that regard, you see so much more of how your family expresses their love for you in the ways you may have never chosen before to see as acts of love and compassion. For that I truly am grateful, and thankful that I can recgonize those acts without the articulation of love for you, just purely and simply acts of love and compassion, as I realize their times didn't allow for the acceptance of expression and verbal eloquence of love so much.

Sorry, don't really ever mean to be a downer, but sometimes I just need to release and project and put out those doubts into the universe so I can be free once again to receive the next wave of positivity and enlightenment into my life, and hopefully pay it forward to everyone who has shared their personal gifts with me. So i'll keep trying my best to focus my energy and efforts on only the things I can affect and invest my soul in, and just realize that situations out of my control are the chosen roads for me to travel in order for me to be able to leave my prints on the world.

and the one quote that really gets me by these days
"God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference."