!Empower!

Hey all,
wow, it's the best way for me to describe the turn of events that's happened tonight. For many of you that know me, I have 2 kryptonites, the first one being any type of alcohol, and the second is the ever growing insecurity with my family as far as our relationships, and the perception of myself in the family.
I figure that since coming back home, all the reconnecting i can do with the things that I have been apart for four years, will slowly piece me back together with peace, thus giving me the ability to have more faith and confidence in the relationships i've had with people, the place of where i come from, the experiences that I have gone through. But tonight, everything came to a boiling point, exploded, and then found peace in a way, in a way that was so random, I can only attribute it to the sly dog upstairs who made this night one of the most powerful night for me since I've been home.
So if you know me, you know that I have never had what you would call a typical relationship with my brother or my fam. I always felt like the baby grunt who no one really thought could do anything, and my relationship with my brother growing up , was tempetuous to say the least. The best way I could describe our relationship when I was younger would be to call him Wayne from Wonder Years, and myself as Kevin Arnold.
In a lot of ways that relationship growing up kept me from trying a lot of things and I think just instilled low self esteem in myself as I always tried to hang out with my bro and be in the mix, but i was never allowed and usually received some verbal pleasantries on my way out of the room too.
So with me moving out to Irvine, and just realizing as much as I did and learning as much as I did, I think I took the feeling like a family outcast, and used it as a motivating factor to make me better, and reach new things not possible if i were living at home. I also received that constant positive reinforcement that allowed to dream up the possibilities, and my friends always lead me to believe that I was limitless in my potential.
But moving back home so suddenly was a punch to the gut, that brought back all these feelings of insecurity and unsettled business. But regardless, I knew it was to handle this family situation all together and see it through. But in all that time, and also moving back home I realized i still was not comfortable with my bro and didnt have the same relationship with him that I envied that other sibling friends of mine had.
I saw I still hadn't come to terms with all my pent up resentment and frustration with my bro. And, yup, that all changed tonight. To make a long story short, we played a league bball game, and frustration boiled over, with my bro getting ejected from the game, and after i ripped my brother with what I definitely felt was an explosion of pent up feelings and build up, and we started going at it, and just yelling, they asked us to leave the Bball Center and it spilled into the parking lot. We yelled to no avail of understanding each other, and the end of it, I uttered some stuff, I knew I wanted to take back the second I said it, I told him he was no blood of mine, and that he meant nothing to me.
Needless to say, once i got home the fireworks started, and more melee ensued. It was an all out shouting yelling expletive filled match, that i honestly felt was gonna end up in a im different, your different, let's just leave it be. But after about an hour of explaining each other's sides, I was able to realize the one thing that was missing all these years for me to be able to get over that hump of uncomfortability, and being a different person to my brother than i was with friends, and my cousins, I needed him to acknowledge that he wasn't a good big bro and that he was sorry for the way he treated me. Eventually he apologized, and told me about the things I needed to work on, and we left it with a clean slate, and a promise to make an effort to call each other, and fill in each other on our lives and our everdays...
After that, still feeling in a dazed about everything that happened, I called Mr. Mike mothafreakin Song, and had a classic, classic, classic Recharge session with him, discussing life and the places we are at in it. I know now in my heart without a doubt, mark my words, THE POSITIVITY MOVEMENT WILL COME FULL CIRCLE AND WE WILL MAKE IT OUR LIVES! It'a so ridiculous to see how I connect with Mike and how he's on the same wavelength as me, even thought right now we are living COMPLETELY different lives. We came to a point where we agreed everything we were talking about was timed so randomly on point, that it def was the big guy upstairs doing work. We talked about:
1.living in the Irvine bubble, and how always receiving positive reinforcement from friends without living and seeing life outside of the bubble can be very dangerous. Also that living in different places now, I can still feel the presence of my friends and still use that as a driving force for me to be motivated and have self confidence on my own here, and it makes the world jsut seem like a much smaller place.
2.In what Mike, Tang, and I do in our respective forms of expression, there is a heightened awareness and knowledge of self that we have that I think is the most important thing for us to convey in our mediums. I feel these days I listen to music, watch dance, enjoy art, and production in general the most when I feel as though I can connect to the soul and essence of the artist and how they live.
3.We talked about how it's time for us now to move from the bubble and carry on what we've learned from friends, and use that as our motivation to do new things and carry the self confidence in situations that might test it. It's a way of paying tribute to your friends and what they've given you, as you push past challenges, trials, and doubts, because you know what they have given you and empowered you with far outweighs the stress of those.
4.If you didn't catch it the first time, I completely realized without a doubt in my mind, that the livea of those folks in Irvine, and that positive train, will build our livelihood and find the dedication of our lives in that cause, with a doubt.
5. We talked about balance, and doing many different things that take you out of the bubble and out of your comfort zone, in order for you to apply what you've learned, and to pass it on, and to realize yourself as a gift to be shared with others.
6. We talked about that when you put your essence in something and your insecure about it, its really only the dumbmother suckers that are judgmental and are too busy standing in that one place hating, that worry, but you should realize they in reality aren't important, and those who are to you, will recognize the pouring of yourself you have done.

SORRRRY a lot of just stream of consciousness writingm so a lot of it not make sense and seem like they're on diff tangents, but i just had to write as much of it in one go. -Ray