Sup sup sup
On Jhus and Me's drive back from So cal last night, it was like an 8 hour stream of consciousness where I'm pretty sure I analyzed my life from every point possible, and tried to view it from as many angles as possible. To say the least, I went through a myriad of emotions, and realizations, as another year comes to fruition, so does another time of transition and change for me, and I'm getting to that point right now, where life seems like a bunch of transitions and changes, til you get the ingredients just right and move forward with the next stage of life, striving to fulfill your personal visions. So I apologize in advance for how the entry might just keep jumping around or seem jumbled, but I'm just gonna write about things as they pop in my head.
Since my last entry a good amount has happened. Of course the new year, so Happy New Year to you. I remember last year, I was so happy for 2007 to end, for as much it taught me, it dragged me through the mud a bit, slapped me upside the head, and shook the way I would look at life forever. So I came in 2008, thinking about how I was determined to tear a little ish up, cause I spent the year before constantly trying to get back on track from life's tough love lessons.
2008 started and went off waaay better than I could have ever imagined, living in Germainder with the type of folks around me that really pushed me to keep writing, and not be afraid to look at myself as an artist, cause just saying that about myself makes me squirm, I prefer simple guy with something to say sometimes.
Of course, with no need to say Roadtrip Nation, blew my mind, and I'm now committed to spending the rest of my life chasing my dream, passion, vision, whatever you call it, I'm on it now and there's no moving me away from it. Once again, eternally grateful.
Coming back to So cal again, I love how instantaneous the feeling of nothing has changed within the fondness and chemistry of all the people I see time and time again. It's a motivating factor that pushes me to go and do my thing, cause no matter what happens, that air of chemistry and connection, it may change a bit because of certain circumstance and life responsibilities, but at the root of it, it's def a true, real, tangible, palpable love, that pushes to me to settle for nothing less than exceeding my own self expectations.
I didn't even realize the importance of coming home and reconnecting with everybody here. The nasty nine and the 02' fellas, 99' cats, still going, and though its been 4 years, im already back to feeling like a beat still hasn't skipped. You guys gave me the outlet and saved me on days when the weakness was overpowering and i just wanted to leave the home situation. You are the folks that helped mold me and give me a sense of my identity, and really set me up to grow when I got down south, So if i haven't told you guys yet, A million mother effin thanks!
Coming down after having spent about 4 months home, without a doubt gave meeeeee hellla clarity about my situation. When I first came down, it was just putting aside the life that i felt got taken away from me, and just completely ignoring it, and solely focusing on the situation with Dad. After getting some things of my own going here, and being able to have as slug would say it some "emotional investments" you find that sense of purpose and belonging. So I came home last night with a better guage of our fam situation and I think I have finally let go of that gigantic chip on my shoulder that many times, would make me count a lot of things that I did for the fam. A lot of it had to do with the laid back nature of life that I had. No one ever tripped when some mistake or setback occurred, the focus was always on how we're gonna work together and solve it, then get hyped after about we handled our ish. Coming home was the exact opposite, mistakes are met with a lot of yelling, and demeaning comments, but now I understand the pressure that grips everyone, and for someone like my mom or dad, that pressure is never released, cause they are each other's rock, therefore they would never let the other suffer, without sharing that burden and putting it upon myself. It really is something amazing, and something that now let's me go ahead and take the yelling at me and the comments, cause if i can do anything to release a little bit of that pressure or pent up frustration, then I will gladly do my job.
I also see now that coming home was essential for me to be able to take the next step in my life and try to make the move to Japan(if i get accepted). Pop gave me his blessing last night. And while he did, I still have major reservations about going, as far as not knowing what is gonna be going on with the fam situation, but in that regard I came to a major major major realization. Pop's always stressed to me that God comes first in life, and I know he holds that to be true without a doubt. In that, I also see myself with what God has given me in my life as an instrument. I believe without a doubt my gift in life is that I can see that light within people, regardless if whether or not they bury it, they front as something else, or if they're too afraid to let it shine and live and have the freedom to explore all the possibilities of our world and our lives. In that regard, I think to do that is in a way God's work, just to share love indiscriminantly and show people just how capable and powerful beyond their own belief they are. I feel that if i can go to Japan and make an impact on lives there, while challenging myself to see life from another vantage point, and see the beauty in it, a sense of unstoppableness to do that work anywhere and at anytime will come out of it.
Also, if i can take some of my music there, and connect with people because of it, and really be able to share my stuff in a place where there is no such thing as having to have "street cred" or a pre conceived concept of what hip hop should look like or sound like, that would just be game over. It seems soooo far off and such a remote possibility, but i visualize it on the daily as much as I can, and it seems to get working on the things necessary to make that happen, and baby steppin towards it is all im trying to do on the daily.
I know there's more but ill write about it later. Til then, PEEEEEEACE!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comments:
i guess theres always a sort of awakening when you go home, whether its your home back north or your home in irvine. happy new years man.
Post a Comment