!Empower!

its the time frame given for my dad from doctors.
I'm not sure exactly what I should make of it.
It's not like we've haven't heard this before, but this time it knocked me just a little harder in the gut than the previous roadblocks. I haven't lost faith, I'm not angered with the fate and the cards that have been dealt, but in a sense I feel guilt. A guilt of looking to the future and being excited about Japan and the possibility of it, a guilt of thinking that what if God's plan is that he does need pop, and does that make me fight not as hard in keeping dad brave in his battle? A guilt in thinking sometimes of scenarios and life without Dad. A guilt that today when we were talking about the Warriors today, I said, "Think about how good this guy will be in a couple years dad" then realizing with that damn prognosis lingering in my head that dad might not be around to see that, or might not even care anymore, since he's busy living in the moment and making the most of it. A guilt in talking way too much like being at home is a burden to me, and a trial i have to get through. A guilt for losing patience when doing tasks for dad that he has trouble with now, that I should be accepting of with a smile and the satisfaction of knowing that I'm making life just a little bit more easier for him. A guilt for being able to give advice, an opinion, some words to uplift for others whenever ask, but freezing up at times when I have the same chance to do that for Dad. A guilt in that some times I'm not sure if I should pray for dad's full recovery, or pray for God's plans to be fulfilled, cause the i'm not sure what they are. But regardless of all that, I still know at the end of the day there will be peace with whatever may come in the grace of God.

I'm not worried about myself, cause I've accepted what will be will be, but I worry more so than anybody, for mom. Her life is dad, her complete commitment in life right now is to taking care of dad and every single need. Dad always makes comments like, "it'll all be ok as long as your mom is by my side." Then I think of everything that they do as a couple, and I think what if. I'm terrified of that prospect, and deep down, I know mom is one of the most iron willed women i've ever met or known, but for me to just try to put myself in those shoes on a smaller scale, like of losing some of my relationships, with the longest being at about 3 years, then adding on 32 years, 3 children, and lifetime full of memories, and a life anchored upon each other, becomes a bit overwhelming for me. But in all of my doubt, i know my mom can do it, and that's what makes her such a much stronger and more faithful person then myself.

sorry, didn't really mean to be a downer, but just really needed to let some things out so i could take a look at them and reflect on em. also, really for anyone out there, if there's someone or something you need to come to peace with and you know it's worth it, and it's just a bit of self pride, or some fear standing in the way, somehow find it in yourself to say eff it, and make that effort. The end product of your efforts will be far greater than any sum of those fears and pain of past incidents. Peace.

Emancipator - With Rainy Eyes